I was inspired to express myself through writing, at the early age of 16, when I realized that I would never be good enough on the electric guitar to be a rock star. I desperately needed to be famous. I couldn’t make it with my singing voice. I couldn’t dance. I couldn’t draw. There was nothing left but to write to gain the admiration I deserved.
I followed my carefully prepared plan for being a huge success. From age 16 to 18, I honed my writing style by text messaging my friends for at least ten hours a day. Fifteen minutes a day was spent writing bothersome papers for my various high school classes. I was proud of the brevity of effort put into these papers. At age 17, I wrote and re-wrote, at least thirty times, my two college application essays. I continued my habit of writing thank you notes, each at least three sentences long, to generous relatives. I nixed the idea of writing for my high school newspaper because the staff met after school. It was worth putting my future career as a famous writer in danger not to spend one extra minute in that building.
Then I entered college. Some of my fellow students had dreams of occupations that were, to my view, unglamorous. Chumps! I pursued my goal of celebrity by increasing my hours of text messaging each day. I continued to correspond with my high school pals and added several new college BFFs. I heard that 500 billion text messages are sent each year. I can claim credit for a good portion of that number. I also wrote the required college papers, even though they were not the proper vehicle for my talent.
In 2005, I began writing essays on my blog at http://www.last.fm/user/bigsexyshaq/. The more traffic my blog received, the more outlandish and belligerent my persona became. The more outlandish and belligerent my persona became, the more hits and comments bombarded my blog. I scored thousands of comments in response to my obnoxious essays about musicians, song writers and producers. If I couldn’t “sing” like Fred Durst then I would write about how he whines too much and will never make a good president of the United States. Before I knew it I had written a large body of work. Large enough to qualify as a book, quantifiably speaking. Thus was born Stop Making Music, a collection of 136 essays that will finally make me famous, popular and set for life.
Tom Samuels is the author of the satire/humor book, STOP MAKING MUSIC.